Inner Peace

Week after week, my mind’s eye began to perceive things differently. I felt as if something or someone was trying to tap into my subconscious. I felt sensations that I had never felt before. I felt alarmed and frightened by what was happening to me. I stop buying the hot water from the coffee shop and I believe to this day, the water was contaminated with LSD or some type of drug that induced hallucinations.

My boyfriend and I had gone our separate ways, shortly after I began working for the government. We had a bad break up. I was alone and the southerners constantly reminded me that I was dwelling on confederate territory.

An incident happened at work and I had to file a complaint against an elderly coworker. He worked in the supply room and was in charge of dispensing office supplies to the coworkers. Each time a female clerical worker visited the supply room and requested supplies, his conversations with us always pertained to having an affair with him. His caddish behavior towards us was demeaning. I dreaded each time that I had to visit the supply room. I tried to retain a professional manner towards him, but the inner savage beast was unrelenting. One day, he reached for me and asked for a kiss. I was appalled and he knew that I was not interested in him. My mind snapped and I hit him in the face. The rings that I wore, scratched him and the wounds bled. He could not believe that I had struck him. Due to this incident, I was let go for fighting on the job, but I could continue to work for the government and apply for employment with other agencies.

Of course, my depression deepened. I had a bad break up with my boyfriend and lost my job, because of an idiot that was too overly concerned with his genitals while at work.

I continued to seek work with the government and waited to hear from other agencies. I constantly worried about the bills that I needed to pay. I felt paranoid and helpless. I did not want to lose my apartment. I constantly cried and my mind began to slip away. I desperately tried to hold on to my sanity, will power and inner strength.

I tried to write to my parents, but I could not remember the letters to spell out the words. I needed help. I recall cutting three squares of colored paper, Black, Green and Red. I inserted the paper into envelopes addressed to my family. These colors symbolized the Black Panther organization in our culture. I remembered that my father had fought in the army and I looked in the dictionary for the international morse code. I copied the code of dots and dashes that spelled, “S O S” on the outside of the envelopes that I mailed home. I waited and prayed for them to contact me.

An eerie silence began to fall over the city and a thick fog rolled in. People appeared to move about in a zombie like manner.

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